Gas V/s Hearing problem

 An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

'PNEIS'

 When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters

'PNEIS'

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - "I still love Vista, baby".

 Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

too short

 A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

GST

Husband: My wife implemented GST years ago...
.
.
.
G.. Galti..
S.. Sirf..
T.. Tumhari hai. 😂😂😂

With Gear or Without Gear?

Mechanical  Engineer's wife Delivered a baby..
Wife Sends SMS to Husband :
"Your New Vehicle is  Launched."
Husband SMS's back  :
"With Gear or Without Gear?"😜

Aliya and footbal fever

A fan updated Brazil Vs Croatia score on FB:

3 BRA - 1 CR

*Alia Bhatt commented*
*"Very expensive"*


Drunk legs

Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.
Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man:legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

 Oops!
 Has anyone seen my watch?
 That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
 Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
 Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
 OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
 Come back with that! Bad Dog!
 Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
 If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
 Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
 Damn, there go the lights again...
 Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
 Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
 I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
 Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
 Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
 What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
 What do you mean, he's not insured?
 This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
 Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
 What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
 I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
 Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
 That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
 Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
 Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
 Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
 FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Cat Scan

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

I can cure pneumonia.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

Gloves

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Send me a link

You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts... Man, and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link?

No BILL

Why use Linux: No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.

Errors

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

Easy Operations

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

F1..F1

Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.

Girls and Domain Name

Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

Windows Frozen

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen". The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them". Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".

Programme Ver 1.0

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.